


I Won't Let You Go

by BriarRose (Aryael)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Jedi, Jedi Ben, Jedi Rey, Jedi Training, New Jedi Order, Semi-sure where this is going, Slow Burn, Sometimes the fic has different ideas though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-20 07:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryael/pseuds/BriarRose
Summary: Rey slowly turns to the dark as she trains to become a Jedi at Luke's academy. As Ben's Padawan, she begins to question the order. Her burgeoning feelings for Ben becoming a catalyst for her resentment of the Jedi ways. As she debates whether she truly wants to become a knight of the Jedi Order Snoke finds her and offers another choice. She becomes the leader of the Knights of Ren, forging a new path for herself as she discovers her own history as a child of darksider parents. Slowly the First Order emerges as the New Republic falters. Ben fights with the resistance and remaining Jedi against the First Order, wanting to desperately to bring his Padawan back to the light. Years pass before they meet again, this time no longer Knight and Padawan, but adversaries across the battlefield.What happens when you refuse to let your first love remain in the light just as they refuse to let you remain in the dark?





	1. When They Found Her

**Author's Note:**

> Well then!
> 
> This is my first foray into reylo fiction. And SW fiction. Hope you like it :)
> 
> Also um, this is completely unbeta'd. Love to find a Beta if I could :3

She grunts as she tries to pull harder on the searing metal beneath her barely covered fingers. Biting her lip, she tugs with one final heave and a crunching sound fills the space around her as she falls backward with the metal panel her hands. She tosses it to the side before getting up and dusting herself off, eyes raking the wiring within for the easiest to transport in her small sled and the most profitable. With deft fingers, she reaches in and begins to take it apart, retrieving various tools from her pockets as she works. Soon the sun is beginning to set and she gathers her findings from the pile at her feet and walks them over to her small sled. By the time she returns tomorrow, she knows there will be nothing left for her.

The trek to Nima Outpost is long and she hurries as fast as her little legs can carry her, all the while keeping a wary eye out for other scavengers. The sun is near setting and she knows she spent too much time trying to pick apart the Tie Interceptor and she prays that it wasn't wasted. It had been over a year since she'd made a find of anything like it; a recent sandstorm having bared the half destroyed ship to wandering eyes. The Outpost isn't nearly as populated as it usually is and she runs to get to Plutt before he closes shop, her hand slapping the counter as he turns his large back to the small window.

"I have something," she breathes hard.

Plutt turns to her, eyes narrowed.

"You're late," he sneers, multiple chins swaying as his small mouth opens.

"Here!" She says, ignoring his accusation and placing her entire find on the window.

Slowly the Crolute picks through the parts and wires. He reaches beneath the counter.

"Half a portion. And you better be grateful. Don't make me wait again."

He pulls the parts inside his hut and slams the window down right after Rey takes the packing from his grubby hands.

Her brow furrows and eyes narrow as she stares daggers at the now closed front and clenches her free fist. Gritting her teeth, she shoves the half portion in her pocket and picks up her sled. She barely has enough time to make it back to her home before the cold really sets in. She never notices the strangely dressed stranger watching her from close by.

When she reaches her AT-AT, she puts her sled away and stashes the half portion away, hidden in the various nooks and crannies of her abode. She turns to her wall and mechanically adds another mark before pulling an rough looking engine out from yet another hiding place. Pulling her meager collection of tools from her pockets, she lays them on the floor and gets to work on the engine, ignoring the slight rumbling of her stomach. Her stash of portions is small and she doesn't know if she'll find anything tomorrow. She'd promised herself she would never depend on daily portions after the first time Plutt had punished her for not producing enough. She'd gone a week without portions as he collected his 'debt' for previous over payments. Her home was littered with just about 5 portions in total after months of saving. She could go hungry tonight. It's not the first time. It won't be the last.

Her head snaps up and she turns her gaze to the darkness beyond the entrance to her home. She stand slowly, ears twitching as they strain to hear. She felt something, some _one_ , she knows it. Carefully, she steps toward the wall on the left of the entrance, placing her back to it and waits. Minutes pass and nothing changes. But she  _knows_ that someone is waiting for her. 

Just as the flap starts to sway, Rey stomps with her foot and swings her arms towards the intruder's mid-section. She won't give anything up without a fight. But she never connects. 

Her body freezes before she can even process what is happening and soon she is staring into feline yellow eyes.

"What did you do?" she demands, ignoring the racing of her heart. 

"Stopped you from stomping on my foot and taking out a tooth or two with that wrench," a female sounding voice purrs. 

Rey lowers her eyes and notes the strange robes of the cat-woman on her haunches before her. 

"I did not mean to frighten you, child. I simply wanted to speak with you. I was not sure of the best way to approach you but I also could not wait."

"Why?" Rey asks, eyes flicking back up to the golden eyes that seem to pierce through her. 

"I must return soon. My time on Jakku is short. Tell me, how did you know I was outside?"

"You're loud." She responds flippantly.

The woman's chuckle is deep and low, lips smirking to reveal a sharp canine. 

"You lie well. But the force never lies. Where are your parents?"

Rey grinds her jaw, eyes flashing first with sadness and then defiance. 

"They just left for a bit. They're coming back."

The woman tilts her head slightly to the left and frowns. 

"How long ago?"

"Not long."

Her frown deepens. 

Whatever had been holding Rey releases her and she all but falls to the ground. A clawed hand reaches down to assist her and she takes it. Rey may not trust the woman, but she knows if the woman had wished to harm her or take her things, she would have already. 

"Have you ever heard of the force?"

Rey snorts. Of course she had. The old drunks that came out of the small tavern would shout their stories about the Jedi that saved the galaxy. But those stories were just the ramblings of drunks.

"Ah, a disbeliever I see." 

Suddenly Rey is once more in the air, this time floating high enough to be eye level with the woman before her. 

Her face pales and she looks down.

"What are you doing?!"

"Providing you some proof of its existence." And just like that she is sat on her hard bed amid the scraps of cloths she uses for comfort. Her eyes are wide as she stares while the woman approaches. 

"My name is Dian. I am a Jedi Knight. And you, child, have the force."

Rey laughs. She laughs and laughs and laughs. She falls forward, hands gripping her stomach. 

The womans seems amused by her reaction.

"I did not realize that my knighthood was so entertaining."

That finally quiets Rey.

"I don't have the force." She says, wincing slightly as her hunger pains battle the soreness of her abs from laughing for dominance.

"But you do. How else do you think you could tell I was nearby?"

Rey rolls her eyes but the question replays in her mind. She _had_ known someone was there.

"You could come with me. To the Academy. Learn how to be a Jedi."

She shakes her head vehemently.

"My parents. They're coming back. I can't."

Silence fills the small cavern of her home and the Jedi Knight's eyes roam over to the wall of marks on the wall. Slowly she approaches it, her fingers tracing over the uneven lines.

"If they could have, don't you think they would have by now?" the woman says ever so softly.

The tears rise unbidden and stream down her dirty cheeks. Of course she had thought about that. But no, they were her parents. Of course they would come back for her. They couldn't... They arent'...

The woman sits next to her, their thighs touching, and places an arm around her.

"You do not have to be alone any longer, Rey."

 

 


	2. When They Met

“It won’t be as bad as you think, Rey, living with the other younglings.”

Rey fidgeted in her seat as Dian expertly flew them through the atmosphere of Yavin 4 towards the Praxeum. Rey's eyes widened in wonder as they swept over the wide expanse of foliage that covered the moon’s surface. She had never so much green in her life.

"Is the whole moon covered in.. in..."

"Green?" Dian asked with a smile. She turned her head to take in the picture of Rey, practically jumping out of her seat with face all but pressed against the viewport.

"Is it?"

Dian chuckled. "Yes, Rey."

"Oh."

Dian led the ship towards a landing pad and gently lowered them before turning off the engine.

“You'll get to explore forests soon enough, Rey. I believe the younglings are going to be taken on a short retreat soon. Come, Master Luke will be waiting."

The pair exited the ship and Rey's eyes widened as she came face to face with the Praxeum. The stark white walls of stone gave way to high doors that opened as they approached. Their footfalls echoed in the sterile halls of the Jedi Academy as they moved deeper into the building, Rey's eyes roving over every facet of the structure. They walked in silence, past other children who stared curiously.

"They are curious because it is not often that a new youngling comes to us. They want to know you."

Rey crossed her arms and looked down at her feet as they made their way towards Master Luke's offices. She wanted to disappear, remove herself from the stares and questions.

Why had she agreed to follow Dian here? The air felt kind of funny and it was _cold_.

She rubbed her arms roughly, trying to stay warm when she heard voices not far ahead.

"I don't understand why this is coming as a shock to you," a deep voice intoned, irritation evident.

A dramatic sigh and then the tell-tale scratch of a chair as someone rose.

"Ben, your mother can handle herself."

"I know she can. Of course she can. She's Leia Organa. That does not mean it’s not sometimes nice to have support."

"She has support," the second voice responded, tone somewhat chiding. "I know that you have been restless lately. And I understand, I do. But this isn't the first time she's faced opposition. The Jedi do not involve themselves in political matters. And that is exactly what it will look like if you rush to her side, son or no."

It was as though she could feel the irritation on her skin, scratching against her in waves. Annoyance wrapping itself around her as though it were her own. 

Dian stopped before a door and Rey scrambled to do the same before she ran into her, so lost in the emotions echoing towards her in the force.

"Come in, Dian."

The door opened and the Cathar woman stepped inside, turning her head to give Rey a reassuring smile as she gestured for her to follow. Rey stood just outside the doorway, eyes still downcast and body stiff, fear and uncertainty coiling around her. 

"Come, Rey. This is Master Luke, the man I told you about."

"Luke Skywalker?" she squeaked, voice tinged with a reverent awe that drew her from within herself instantly. Her eyes darted up and her gaze was met with warm blue eyes and a gentle smile behind a trimmed blonde beard. 

"It's nice to meet you, Rey. Dian told me you enjoyed helping her fly the ship. Flying has always been one of my favourite past times."

A snort drew her attention to the other occupant in the room. She caught sight of the end of an eye-roll on a tall and broad, dark-haired male. 

"Planning on telling her how you destroyed the first death star, Uncle?"  The boy turned his dancing eyes on her. His face was odd; large nose and high cheek bones with full lips; ears just poking out enough under his chestnut locks for her to tell they were rather large as well. His happily lop sided grin made her brow furrow. No one smiled like that, not really. "He never tires of telling the story. Or acting it out. The younglings love it the first two or three times. But most of them have heard it now. You're fresh meat, Rey. I'd run while you still can."

"Ben!" Luke admonished, his face the picture of indignant shock as he turned his head towards his nephew.

"It's true! I'm sure Rey doesn't want to hear about how you flew your x-wing straight through a trench the on the surface of the first Death Star-"

"You really used an x-wing to destroy the Death Star? Its not all just stories?" Rey cuts off Ben, taking an excited step forward as her eyes focus on Luke while Ben stifled a laugh. He watched the young girl with interest as she tried to hide her excitement. 

Dian's amusement grew while her eyes trailed the small brunette as she got closer and closer to Luke as he began to enthusiastically describe his exploits as a pilot. His words did wonders to calm her as he described in details the sounds and sights from his pilots seat. Rey had been... less than enthusiastic about coming with her to the Academy. She had reluctantly accepted that her parents were not returning for her. She had wanted to learn what Dian knew but she did not want to do so with so many other people. Even at the tender age of 8, Rey was wary of strangers. Trust did not come easily and Dian may have considered using the force to help Rey trust her, though she would never admit to such out loud.

"How long do you think the hero worship will last with this one?" Ben questioned Dian as he came up beside her. 

Dian smirked. "You think it will end?"

Ben turned his attention to Dian, eyebrow raised. 

"You think it won't?"

"You did not see the child on the inside of my ship. The only one who may steal Luke's spotlight is perhaps the Millennium Falcon and Han Solo."

Ben laughed, his shoulders hunching over slightly as he tried to contain it. But even the sounds of his struggle did not get the attention of the girl with three buns in her hair, who was hanging on his uncle's every word. 

"Perhaps I should introduce them, then."

It was Dian's turn to laugh. 

"You just want to take the spotlight away from your uncle, young Solo. Come, let Master Luke help Rey to settle in. He's always been best with those who need a home."

Ben frowned as he flicked his gaze quickly back towards the girl. She was so animated, asking more questions about the engines and flying technique than any child should have the right to understand... and in desperate need of belonging. The order would be good for her. 


	3. I Reached Out My Hand

Rey had been at the academy for six months. 

Every morning she woke just before dawn and joined the others in the mess hall for breakfast. Her mornings were spent studying history and meditating. In the afternoon they would practice forms with training sabers before meditating again. Then supper. She wasn't used to having such a schedule. Or such easy access to food. 

And meditating. It seemed to come so easy to the other younglings and yet she struggled constantly. How does one let go of their emotions when all they have are questions about them? How do you repeat the Jedi code when you _know_ that peace isn't as easy to come by as they make it seem? Teedo never played fair, did he? These are questions she asks herself at night, alone in her cot with her blankets drawn tightly around her, while she waits for it all to be taken away. 

The first few weeks at the academy had been a long one. An incessant stream of questions that never ended. 

_Did you really live on Jakku?_

_What does the desert feel like?_

_Was there a lot of sand?_

_How come you're not darker?_

_Are you always cold?_

Rey had taken to meeting their questions with silence and blank stares. 

"You know, one of these days Rey of Jakku, I'm going to break through your walls of silence." A pale purple twi'lek sat up from the table and smiled. "I mean, we can't go on forever thinking you're the long lost daughter of some royal family that was stolen by the usurper's spies and lost in the desert. It's a cool story and all, but I'm willing to be the truth is much better." The twi'lek grabbed her tray and turned around. "I'll see you in meditation!"

Rey watched the girl go, slowly eating her stew. Without fail at every meal, Sinya sat across from Rey and spent the entire time trying to get her to speak. She gave up on asking questions months ago, instead speaking about her brother and her time at the academy so far. Sin was patient. But Rey knew all about waiting. And she was more than prepared to wait the young girl out.

The mess hall was mostly empty now, many of the younglings having cleared out already. Her eyes darted around the room with practice, making sure that no one was watching as she hurriedly opened her napkin and placed her bread roll in it before stuffing it in her pocket.

"Worried we'll run out of bread?"

The deep baritone made her jump and her head snapped towards the sound. She frowned, Ben's smile irritating her for some reason. He made to sit across from her, his tray full with flatbread, cheese, meat and a blue drink. She wrinkled her nose as she watched him take a long sip.

"It's blue."

"It's delicious."

Rey took another bite of her stew and ignored him while savoured the food for all it was worth, still-strange flavours dancing on her tongue.

"Would you like to try some?"

Rey eyed his milk with distaste.

"Don't knock it til you try it, kid."

He offered his cup and tilted it towards her.

"Come on. What's it going to hurt?"

Rey raised a brow. He waved it under her nose.

She reached out tentatively and took the glass from his hand, still eyeing the drink warily. Holding the cup in both her hands, she raised her eyes to meet his once more. He gave a small nod, urging her forward, eyebrow raised in a challenge. 

With her own brow furrowed she raised the cup to her lips and took a small sip. Her eyes blew wide in shock and she took a long dip, draining more than half of what remained in his cup.

"It's not so terrible." 

She passed the cup back to him, attempting to hide her taste for the bantha milk as she licked the remains of it off her upper lip. Ben laughed, eyes twinkling. 

"I can get you some more if you like." 

Rey took the last bite of her stew and searched his face. It was like reading a book, his facial expression easily showcasing his thoughts. She'd never seen a face like that. Jakku wasn't known for it's honesty. Blunt cruelty sure, but honesty? That was unheard of. 

"Its not that good." 

She picked up her tray and walked away from the table. 

* * *

Her legs are crossed and the room is silent. With eyes closed, she tries to do what Master Luke had instructed. 

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_Breathe in._

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

_Look inside._

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

_Let it go._

_There is no chaos, there is harmony._

_Breathe out._

_There is no death, there is the Force._

But she doesn't know what to let go. She doesn't know how to find peace in the force.

Everything feels so... empty. Jakku was never peaceful. What knowledge do the poor have besides of desperation? How can you have serenity when you don't even have food? What harmony is there when people die because they have nothing. And people do  _die._

Rey's brow furrows as her frustration grows.

"Rey."

Her eyes blink open and she stares into the steady gaze of Master Luke. Around her the other students are silent, eyes closed and at peace.

"Come with me."

Silently she got up and followed him out into the hall, letting him lead her towards the sounds of crashing sabers, the hum of the blades growing louder and louder as they approached. Rey came up beside Luke and gasped softly as she watched the knights spar.

Blue and green sabers met over and over in a rapid series of movements as the padawans parried blows and took strikes at each other. Four pairs going at each other with a fluid grace that felt more like a dance than a battle.

It was...  _beautiful._

Her eyes trailed the long reach of Ben as he executed a perfect sun djem, his opponent's saber falling uselessly to the left. 

"Well done, wasn't it?" Luke smiled and gave her a side glance. "Meditating provides us focus. Sparring can do the same. It allows your body to become an instrument, demanding your attention. Would you like to spar, Rey?"

"With sabers?"

"With training sabers, yes."

Rey smiled for the first time since she came to the Praxeum.

 

 

 


End file.
